Everything has been going so exceptionally well recently… My personal life has never been better. My professional life has been moving forward in all sorts of exciting ways. My emotional well-being is at an all-time high and I felt like the Universe was showering me with untold fortune. Well, April didn’t start too well for me. The USA Recovery Coach that was coming to South Africa to facilitate his training cancelled… He is unable to travel and of all the reasons that someone would have to change their plans, I wish that his health was not it. But it is and unfortunately all hours of work I have poured into the organisation of the training seminar up to this point really feels as though it is for nothing, which is not necessarily true. But right now that is how it feels.
It’s been a long time since I felt this flat. Neither very high or very low, just flat… It’s not a feeling I am used to and tend a little towards extreme emotions. I guess that there are still parts of me that are very much the addict! The wonderful woman that I started working with recently in the organisation of the event asked me that morning whether it was perhaps that I had not been instantly gratified!? And did this behaviour lend itself to a culture of addiction or a culture of recovery? Of course I don’t believe I was looking for instant gratification in this particular instance, but I do see that this habit of wanting things and wanting them now, is very much part of a culture of addiction. I’m not a particularly patient person in general, but I have become far far more emotionally composed as I have worked through my recovery.
But to be fair since I heard the news this morning all the reading, coaching and striving for balance keeps bringing me back to the idea that every obstacle faced is a new opportunity… And that when one door closes another door opens. So I have spent the last week reevaluating my current position and deciding how I can move forward with my training. Instead of throwing up my hands and having a complete temper tantrum like I would have when I was in the clutches of addiction, I simply let it stew. It wasn’t a good feeling, but I didn’t try to run from it or mask it with a boozy night out. I just sat with it for an entire week. I didn’t rush out and make any huge changes, I didn’t make any rash decisions and I didn’t completely ignore the challenge. I just let it be there in the silence. And let me tell you this is massive progress for me, who wants to fix everything immediately and does tend towards instant gratification.
And in the silence, which was tinged with a good dose of disappointment, the answers started to present themselves. Not necessarily in the form I expected or even wanted, but in a logical and sensible way. There is still no definite resolution on the situation this morning, a week later, but there are options. And I’m giving myself the emotional and intellectual space to weigh up the options and decide which is the best course of action for me. Of course it would have been incredible if it had all worked out like I had planned, but even the best-laid plans sometimes don’t materialise. I was a little miffed when it all happened and did question The Universe as to why, just once, things couldn’t simply go the course without any upheaval. But I guess to be fair life’s just not like that and we can’t go getting too laid-back. So I’ve had my little self-pity party, listened to what answered have appeared to me, and my head is firmly back in the game. And I feel very content that I didn’t get hysterical and make rash decisions (that I would no doubt end up regretting). I’ve come a long way in six years, and a very very long way in the last twelve months with regards to this.
So tonight after work I am going to go home, cook myself a decent meal and start my new plan as to my continued training as a Recovery Coach. There are so many elements that need to be addressed, that I need to just sit down and consolidate and take it one step at a time.
‘Til next time