I love you, but I’m not like you!

Before I get into my post today, I just want to express my gratitude to the people who follow my blog.  It’s always humbling to think that my words are being read by others and I really appreciate that!  If you are at all interested in sharing the story of your journey to or through recovery, please have a look at “Walking the Road Together“.  I’d love to share your thoughts with my readers and truly believe that we are made stronger by being members of a community of bloggers who are a major part of our sustained sobriety.  I find your stories so personally inspiring that I would love to share them with others.

Now to the business of the day.  Recently a close family member told me that their spouse had voluntarily entered a six-week rehabilitation program.  I’m delighted for her and wish her all the best, but it raised some interesting questions among close friends and family regarding the level of support that we are required to give once she returns to the “real world”.  Anyone who has been through a rehab program will probably agree that after the first few days of settling in, whether that be experiencing any level of withdrawal or coming to terms with the fact that your addiction has got to a point where you require professional help, it’s not a terrible place to be!  You’re surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through, whether they be fellow patients or well-trained professionals.

Your days are tightly scheduled and busy, and you’re completely focused on getting sober and kicking your habit for good.  You get to talk about your feelings, identify your triggers, come to a clearer understanding of your addiction and not worry about too much else.  I thrived in rehab, as I discussed in a previous post, but once I was outside the “pink bubble”, I didn’t manage to stay sober for more than 6 months.  Once I got back into the real world with work, bills, stress and accessible alcohol it was a lot trickier than within the nurturing four walls of the facility that I was in.  I was overly confident that I would not be a repeat patient, being one of the few people who was not on their third or fourth rotation.

The fact is that rehab is expensive and once you leave there is almost zero follow-up.  My Recovery Coach trainer talks of the incredible post-care he has received since being diagnosed with Diabetes, in the form of phone calls, educational material and follow-up support.  Correct me if I am wrong, but most people who leave rehab don’t receive that level of concern.  There’ll probably be a session or two about how one should find a support group and attend meetings, but following the level of attentiveness over the proceeding weeks I personally don’t think that it is nearly enough to ensure that people stay clean and sober.  The relapse rates are high, in my opinion, simply because after being cosseted and propped up for weeks, there is not really much of a transition phase.  Of course it is the individual’s responsibility to be in charge of their sobriety, but boy it’s not easy being tossed from the rehab nest!

And this also begs the question as to the responsibilities of our nearest and dearest on our homecoming… Because addiction is our cross to bear, and although we need the love and support of our families, we cannot expect them to change their lives because we have a problem.  We need to find our new place in the world after rehab in the face of the myriad of challenges out there.  People are going to be drinking when you go to your first social event, it’s as simple as that!  You cannot expect it to be any different and if we’re going to stay sober we need to learn to deal with it.  It’s inevitable that certain people within your social circle fall away, but it’s going to be a very lonely Road to Recovery if you think that your immediate family and friends will change their consumption habits – it’s not going to happen.  They may be more aware of them in our first few weeks, but believe me that if you start trying to change them you are going to be met with resistance.

If you’ve been there you can probably relate to what I’m saying.  If you’re in early recovery let this be a cautionary tale.  Our family and friends love us, but generally don’t want to think that they are like us!  They’ll support us by listening to us, maybe even attending educational or information sessions about addiction, but very very rarely will they be prepared to moderate their behaviour in the long-term.  And like I said that is something we have to come to terms with or it will be poison in our long-term recovery.  So I long ago made peace with the fact that one of the elements that I needed to include in my recovery was being okay with the drinking habits of the people around me, and the fact that they continue to do so is not because they don’t care about me, it’s just that they are were not hit with the addiction stick.  And if they were, well that’s their decision to make, not mine to preach about.

‘Til next time

Sober Something

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6 thoughts on “I love you, but I’m not like you!

  1. Beautifully said. This issue is such a huge problem. Great job explaining it so clearly. I’ve been in this place where I figured everyone around me should bend to my newly acquired sober needs and that isn’t how reality works. I also had to learn that telling certain stories or jokes (related to addiction) to family members isn’t as laughable or understandable like addicts perceive them. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Bottom line is you can’t always talk about the same things to non addicts as you can with addicts/alcoholics. Again great post and thx for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Dustin,

      You’re spot on. I suppose that is one of the reasons that people join support groups, so that they can share their stories, anecdotes, jokes, etc with people who can relate. But that being said, we need to find ways to get on with our lives in a realistic way, and that means dealing with our addictions in the world our families and friends live in…and it’s a world full of alcohol! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I appreciate your feedback.

      All the best to you and have a sensational, sober day,
      Leigh-Anne

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We definitely do. I must say that this is one area that addicts who drink have a constant trigger and temptation on the front burner- whereas, heroin users like myself, don’t have as big of hurtle. I commend (ex)drinkers in this aspect and I can’t pretend to know what that is like. With alcohol being socially acceptable, one who doesn’t drink becomes the unpopular or disfavored generally. Everywhere you turn, there is your kryptonite pulling at your strings. Fortunately for me, there aren’t many social heroin shooter’s clubs or bars nor do they serve heroin on flights. For that I am grateful. I do still have to resist the tempations to drown my life with more “acceptable” highs but that urge is minimal compared to my drug of choice. Coexistence is a key goal for a happy and healthy lifestyle for us and I think stripping the dogma that has been indoctrinated into society will be the most important relationship change between non addicts and addicts. Once the stigma is understood by the non addict, more understanding will flow through societies. At least I hope that would be the case. Not saying we don’t have a mess on our side as well but I think that would be a huge factor. I am running out of blabbing room so I will spare you anymore of my ramblings. Have a great week 🙂

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  3. WOW! More power to you! And ramble away…I am always looking for interesting discussion on the subject of addiction and recovery. It is such a diverse, complicated and misunderstood field.

    I couldn’t agree with you more…and the only way that people will understand and accept addiction is by showing them that it’s not necessarily like they have seen portrayed in the media. I for one never hid my addiction (or empty bottles) from anyone… I can only hope that as the cloak of anonymity is lifted from addiction that more and more people will understand that it’s an equal-opportunity disorder that can (and does) affect each and every person on this planet in some way or another.

    Thanks for your comments and if you are at all keen to share your story (or part thereof) on my blog, that’d be great. I come from the perspective of alcohol abuse, but as a Recovery Coach in training, I am interested in all forms of addiction/dependence and how people have overcome them.

    Hope you’re having a sensational week,
    Leigh-Anne

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  4. I really feel for people leaving rehab. My husband went to a 6 week program. While he was gone I quit drinking. We were drinking buddies and there was no way I could have continued on that path without him and supported him at the same time.

    My personal expectation would be that a nonalcoholic spouse would do whatever they could to support their partner by not drinking around them. If they couldn’t abstain for this reason alone perhaps they also have a problem.

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    • I think it’s amazing you support your husband to that degree and that it continues to strengthen your relationship and aid his recovery. He’s lucky to have your commitment to his recovery. But I don’t think that we can expect our loved ones to practice abstinence because it’s not their addiction. And outside the walls of our homes the world will continue and we have to learn to deal with that…

      Thanks for your thoughts and more power to you and your husband as he continues on his recovery journey.

      Like

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